The first day of May, 2011, almost five months before the 10th year anniversary of the tragedy of September 11, brings forth the announcement of the capture of Usama Bin Laden – dead. As this news circles the globe, it will no doubt bring some measure of relief to the countless people whose lives were directly impacted and forever changed by the evil act of one primary individual leading his cohorts.

While many will celebrate, as they should, and while the countless hidden faces of the many brave men and women who continue to work tirelessly behind the scenes to protect us breathe a momentary sigh of relief, it is important to note a very important principle.

Evil never sleeps; evil never ceases; while evil hides and lurks in the dark waiting to prey on its next victim, it spreads its venom and multiplies. While Bin Laden is dead, the battle against evil continues. Those who lack respect for life and the very essence of human dignity do not surrender on a moment’s notice. As a nation unites much as we did almost ten years ago, we need to be ever vigilant and watch out for one another. And, yes, we owe a debt of gratitude – yet again – to our brave men and women in uniform, and to the many unknown faces who work alongside and in support of them.

Son gets caught up in a university campus drug bust; son is apprehended by local authorities, along with other students; son’s parents are notified of alarming news; and so on, and so forth. This storyline is right out of my book, The Top Ten Laws of Respect at Home – A Family Guide. It is contained in the short story titled, “A Day to Remember,” featured in chapter 10. The chapter focuses on the tenth law (of The Top Ten Laws of Respect at Home).

However, this foregoing storyline is real. It describes partly the recent drug bust at the Columbia University (New York) campus. On December 7 (2010), five students from the Ivy League institution were arrested by local authorities in a drug sting operation. The students, four 20-year olds and a 22-year old, are accused of allegedly selling illegal drugs—cocaine, LSD, marijuana, ecstasy, and more—on campus. Unlike the happy ending in the story in my book, this one may prove to be unhappy for each of these young adults.

My interest in this Columbia drug bust does not lie in the misfortune of these foolish young men, but rather in the actions of the father of one of them. While four of the accused students were promptly bailed out of jail by their parents (supposedly), the father of the fifth—Mr. Dave David—elected to leave his son, Harrison David, behind bars for about two weeks before taking steps to post the $75,000 bail. According to the son, his father had told him while growing up that if he ever got into trouble, he would not come to his aid. It appears that Mr. David meant his words.

My question to parents out there is this: could you take the same tough stance that Mr. David chose? Could you leave your 20-year old son in jail for several days, if you had the means to bail him out promptly? Could you love your son enough to turn your back momentarily at a time when he needed you the most?

Mr. David clearly loves his son and, yes, he certainly respects him—which is to say that he truly values his son. He proved this by giving his son the best Christmas gift he (the son) could have received—out of jail a few days before Christmas. For young Harrison, Christmas 2010 will certainly be a day to remember!

Most of us are taught at a very young age to show regard for our grandparents — after all, they are Mom and Dad’s Mom and Dad. At the same young age many see their grandparents as an extension of their parents and as loving caretakers.

 

At some point in time this perception of a grandparent changes with age. We begin to view them as loved ones to be cared for and to be valued for their years of sacrifice — in other words to be respected. Even if you do not know an elderly person that you meet, you are taught to show respect for such an individual by virtue of their advanced years and their inherent wisdom from a lifetime of experiences.

 

On Monday, November 15 (2010), in Lynn, Massachusetts, Geneva Sozanski — an 89-year-old great grandmother — was viciously attacked by a 30-year-old man who ran off with her purse, apparently wanting her money. She was knocked out cold on the sidewalk in a pool of her own blood. She sustained serious head and facial injuries. Fortunately, a Good Samaritan stopped to help her until the police arrived. She would later recover to the joy of a very supportive community and well wishers.

 

But, who would attack a defenseless elderly woman? Who would knock a grandmother unconscious and leave her to die on a sidewalk? Who would show little or no regard for basic human dignity?

 

The attacker showed no respect, at any level, for Grandma Sozanski. He did not exhibit Human Respect — the most basic mode of respect for Mrs. Sozanski by virtue of her as another fellow human being. He did not exhibit Positional Respect — another mode of respect for Mrs. Sozanski by virtue of her being an elderly person in the community (a status that comes with age and years of wisdom rooted in a lifetime of experiences), Did the attacker not know these things about Mrs. Sozanski?

 

Fortunately, the assailant was arrested by the police a few days later. His name is Nicholas Christian — as in Saint Nicholas, from which Santa Claus is modeled; and as in Christian, a person who adheres to the teachings of Christ. How ironic! It appears he needs to get a new name!!!

The Top Ten Laws of Respect – Law #4: The way you present yourself, the words you utter, and the actions you engage or display are prerequisite factors to earning respect.

On Wednesday (June 16, 2010), the Chairman of the Board of BP (British Petroleum), the oil company in the middle of the unfolding consequences of the massive oil spill in the gulf, emerged publicly and for the first time to issue a statement after a meeting with the President (of the United States). This opportunity – to address the American public – was a critical moment for him to exhibit leadership and engender trust at a time when BP remains the object of constant criticism for the way it has handled the ongoing disaster.

Instead, what shall we remember about his moment in the limelight? – His words! The wrong choice of words!! The chairman, Mr. Carl-Henric Svanberg, referred to the people who have been impacted by the disaster as “small people.” Clearly, Mr. Svanberg did not intend to belittle the victims of the disaster; however, as a native of Sweden and a world class business executive, you would expect him to be aware of cultural differences as it relates to his public appearances. At the very least, you would expect him to have a cultural advisor under certain circumstances. The phrase, “small people,” may well be accepted in Sweden under similar circumstances, but certainly not here in America.

This event demonstrates the power of the fourth law of The Top Ten Laws of Respect. In my book series bearing a similar title, I illustrate how 80%, or more, of what we say leave little or no impression; whereas, fewer than 20% of what we say leave the strongest and lasting impression – the 80/20-Rule in action.

Mr. Svanberg said several things during his media statement on Wednesday. Do you think many people will remember anything he said other than his “small people” comment?

Early Saturday morning, soon after midnight, August 23, 2008, the life of 41-year-old Mark Cronin (of Quincy, Massachusetts) was changed forever. While riding his motorcycle across the Neponset River Bridge, Mr. Cronin was struck by a motorist driving in the wrong direction in a Honda Accord. Mr. Cronin laid on the ground, one of his legs severed in the collision, bleeding to death. The prompt action of a passer-by who stopped to create a tourniquet over Mr. Cronin’s exposed limb saved his life.

Two ironies emerge promptly from this tragic story: First, the motorist who struck Mr. Cronin was 32-year-old Marybeth Frisoli, a juvenile probation officer (an officer of the court, sworn to uphold the law) who was driving under the influence of alcohol; second, the quick-thinking passer-by who essentially saved Mr. Cronin’s life was 37-year-old John Melson, a U.S. Iraq War veteran (a serviceman sworn to serve and protect his country) who had served four tours of duty and was scheduled to return to serve a fifth tour (in Iraq) within two weeks.

But, this is only half the story!

On Thursday, March 25 (2010), a judge sentenced Ms. Frisoli to six months in jail and three years probation after a jury found her guilty of drunk driving a day earlier. During an impact statement by Mr. Cronin, now living with the aid of a prosthetic limb, he expressed empathy for Ms. Frisoli and limped over to the defense table to give her a hug and a verbal assurance that he had forgiven her for what happened a year and a half earlier–what irony! Ms. Frisoli visibly broke down in tears and the event made headline news–TV, radio and print.

The power of this story lies, in part, in the ironies that it contains: Aren’t officers of the court supposed to uphold the law above everyone else? Aren’t war fighters supposed to be dead after four tours of duty in dangerous territories? Aren’t maimed victims of drunk drivers supposed to hate their assailants and remain bitter for the rest of their lives?

The lesson of this story, however, is in the paradox and power of forgiveness. Why did Mr. Cronin forgive Ms. Frisoli after such a traumatic event that almost took his life and that changed the life of his wife and children forever? Why is forgiveness a paradox? Why is forgiveness powerful?

Forgiveness is a paradox because it is as easy to forgive as it is difficult to forgive. It is inherent in us, as humans, not to forgive another person who has wronged us; however, we are taught to forgive. Forgiveness is a powerful universal principle as well as a powerful spiritual principle. In each of The Top Ten Laws of Respect books, I list forgiveness as one of seven universal principles that help sustain respect. Our principles (in life) govern our ability to sustain respect.

Forgiveness is powerful because it deals with personal restoration (with oneself and/or with someone else). For Mr. Cronin to be able to restore any form of normalcy and peace of mind for himself and for the sake of his admirable and supportive wife and his young children, he had to deal with Ms. Frisoli in a manner that brought closure–for him, for certain, and an opportunity for her (Frisoli). Whether Ms. Frisoli will forgive herself for what she did is up to her and yet to be determined.

When Mr. Cronin publicly forgave Ms. Frisoli, he let go of any anger and bitterness that remained in him–emotions that are very common after incidents involving drunk drivers. And, we all know what years of anger and bitterness can do to one’s body and mind.

On Thursday, March 25, Mr. Cronin, a common blue-collar worker, displayed to the whole world a part of himself that most of us would never have known–his core principle; and in so doing, he reshaped our thinking of him and of ourselves and reminded us all of the paradox and power of forgiveness. He also enabled us, again, to appreciate the heroism of our service men and women in uniform; after all, if it were not for the brave action of John Melson, the second half of this story would have evolved differently! If you were in Mr. Cronin’s “shoes,” could you forgive Ms. Frisoli for what she did?

See the local Fox25 News clip of Mr. Cronin’s statement and action.

See the NECN News clip of Mr. Cronin and the court room setting.

On March 3rd an interesting news story made headlines – the case of Oakland County (Michigan) court Judge Leo Bowman ordering a stay-at-home mother, Carmela Khury, to serve 24 hours in jail. Why? Because she choose her family over her civic responsibility – under extenuating circumstances!

Carmela Khury, a stay-at-home mother, is selected to serve on a jury on a major murder case. A a few days into the trial, her mother has to go to the hospital for oral surgery and she is unable to find a babysitter to care for her two young kids (one of them barely 2 years old). She called the courthouse to report her situation and she is asked to report to court promptly. Still unable to secure a babysitter, she goes to court with her two young children and the judge finds her in contempt and imposes a 24-hour jail term on her (to be served after the case is over), while forcing her to observe the case for the day (without her children).

This case caught my attention because it reflects an increasing and apparent lack of common sense and misplaced values by people appointed to public positions of authority.

This case also brings attention to the issue of respect. When a mother respects the judicial system by accepting to serve on a jury and actually serving on the said jury (for several days); but, is then confronted with an unexpected dilemma where she has to choose between fulfilling a parental duty and completing her civic duty, what type parent would she be if she ignored her parental duty? Respect at home is all about family valuation and worth – the first law of The Top Ten Laws of Respect at Home.

Perhaps we need to remind our public officials in positions of authority that the family is still the basic building block of a healthy society. And any extenuating circumstance that compromises a parent’s choice to protect her family should be resolved in favor of the parent – every time. If a parent cannot rest assured that her right to protect her family is intact, then it will be more difficult for us as a society to uphold and respect the law and those who serve to do the same.

It was nice to see the State Court Administrative office step in to right the wrong – in favor of Mrs. Khury. Bravo to the Administrative office.

The Top Ten Laws of Respect

How much do you think you are worth? How much do you value yourself? How much do others value you? You will be surprised how much these questions will reveal about you…in non-monetary terms.

Niyi Taiwo, continuous improvement expert and author of Respect: Gaining It and Sustaining It, continues his inspirational quest with this powerful new non-fiction series – The Top Ten Laws of Respect. The series presents the outcome of several years of research on the key principles that govern respect between people in our lives.